Tamela Gordon’s new ebook, Hood Wellness, exhibits what it seems to be like to carry others—and be held—in group.
Half 1: Casa de Tami: Shevone
By Tamela Gordon
“I’m telling you proper now, Tamela! Make me take one other step, and I’ma punch you in your fuckin’ intestine!”
Shevone Torres and I had been on her second day at Casa de Tami. It had been going nice—at first. However the second we hit the sand, she began getting bizarre.
“I’m not gettin’ in that water,” she stored repeating as we looked for the perfect spot to unfold out our blankets and seaside luggage. Her hair, jet black and tremendous curly, was pushed again with a scarf, and she or he was rocking a very cute blue-and-pink bathing go well with.
“Loosen up. You’re going to find it irresistible,” I assured her. Trying again, I in all probability ought to have taken her declaration extra critically. Nonetheless, she checked the “Sure, I’d like so as to add seaside and swimming to my wellness itinerary” field on her evaluation kind. She was additionally from Jersey, so I assumed she’d spent a weekend or two on the Jersey Shore.
I couldn’t have been extra mistaken. It took quarter-hour simply to persuade her to get knee-deep within the water.
“Let’s simply take a breath and a step at a time,” I stored encouraging. I evenly held onto her fingertips, slowly taking child steps so tiny I used to be certain she wouldn’t discover. She observed.
“Nigga, you’ll be able to breathe all you need! I, Shevone, am not gettin’ deeper on this water! Hoe.”
It will have been onerous to inform at this second, however Shevone and I had been, and nonetheless are, superb pals. We met on social media, however our friendship advanced into an in-person dynamic quickly after. If I wasn’t going to Jersey to examine in together with her, she was coming to New York to see me. She even helped reasonable a number of on-line areas I facilitated, serving to me navigate the nuances of holding equitable and protected areas for individuals.
Via her, I discovered the significance of being self-aware of the privileges and power I convey right into a room. Regardless of being an individual who navigates a marginalized intersection, I embody a novel mixture of privileges, akin to two supportive mother and father who’ve all the time offered shelter and sources after I lacked, in addition to the societal perk of assimilating, transferring by mainstream and white areas which are extra ample with entry to useful sources. Understanding these privileges doesn’t invalidate my life expertise or make me much less.
For so long as I’d recognized her, Shevone’s life was centered round two issues: her two sons and activism. And never the keyboard activism that takes place within the remark part. The true frontline shit—the damaging a part of the motion that results in direct interplay with the pigs, getting doxxed, and incarceration.
When she wasn’t flying across the nation for random protests or injustices that any given Black particular person confronted, she was collaborating with an area Black group that recurrently held protests towards their county’s police power in addition to state officers. She’d been arrested within the 4 years that I’d recognized her.
I’ve been a staunch believer that Black individuals ought to keep as distant from anyone’s “entrance strains” as humanly doable—most particularly Black marginalized genders. I consider that the hazards we face frequently, the perpetual worry of homicide and incarceration, has put an excessive amount of pressure on our already compromised well-beings.
This couldn’t be more true for Shevone, who lives with sickle cell anemia and idiopathic continual pancreatitis. When she wasn’t preventing for justice within the streets, she was preventing for her life within the emergency room.
Like me, Shevone had been programmed to consider that pleasure, relaxation, and journey needed to be ‘earned.’’
In February 2019, after a sequence of problems and medical neglect, Shevone was hospitalized and in want of costly treatment together with monetary help to assist cowl her payments, as she was motionless to hustle as she usually did. I, together with a collective of different Black marginalized genders, fundraised the cash by social media. It was a small motion so far as we had been involved, nevertheless it was additionally the type that helped individuals like Shevone get the medical remedy and sources she wanted, in addition to individuals like me keep housing.
I’ve by no means been the type of one who references the acts of kindness I’ve finished for another person. Nonetheless, when scrolling by my Fb feed and seeing a video of Shevone screaming by a bullhorn whereas marching down the road lower than one week after getting discharged from the hospital, I felt some type of method.
“Was {that a} throwback video of you protesting on the street?” I deliberately Facetimed as a substitute of our regular textual content message mode, figuring out it could throw her off.
“Yeah.” She sighed. She went on to clarify the scenario that led to the protest.
“Do you are feeling like being there for these individuals, for that scenario that’s going to exist whether or not you’re lifeless or alive was extra necessary than your well being?”
As I look again, a small flash of guilt comes over me for being so harsh with my good friend. However, additionally, the recollections of praying for her life at my altar contact me too.
Years later, the 2 of us stood within the water, face-to-face with a worry Shevone didn’t even know she had.
“We might simply … stand right here and let the water splash on our legs!” I advised.
When any individual forewarns that they’ll resort to bodily hurt, I consider them. I used to be nonetheless decided for Shevone to expertise a correct dip within the Atlantic, however I knew to not push too onerous.
We stood there in silence. I figured Shevone was nonetheless considering if she was going to punch me. However then, her vibe shifted from uncooked worry. Her chin quivered, and the puddles in her eyes grew. The light splashes of heat water towards her naked pores and skin despatched her over the sting.
“You realize what? Let’s not even concentrate on the step half!” I inspired. “Let’s simply breathe, lady!”
A puff of air handed by her mouth, and her shoulders collapsed. I thought-about strolling her again to our seaside blanket and calling it a day. Water remedy does wonders for a burdened physique, however nothing is therapeutic about being scared to demise. I used to be nonetheless debating, and Shevone was nonetheless quivering, when two small brown youngsters splashed their method between us. They couldn’t have been older than 6 or 7. The identical waves that splashed towards our knees delighted the youngsters because it virtually swallowed them.
“See.” I grinned, pointing on the youngsters. “Enjoyable! Swimming is enjoyable. I promise!”
It will take one other 10 minutes of “a breath and a step,” however ultimately, Shevone was waist-deep within the water. After which, breast-deep. Every time she received a bit deeper, it was as if she had amazed herself.
“I really feel like I might float if I wished to,” she stated, arising and down, taking enormous gasps of breath earlier than plunging her physique to the ocean ground. Quickly sufficient, she was wading round, her head barely poking above the water.
For hours, we jumped. Swayed. Floated. Splashed. Exhaled. We laughed at nothing in any respect. We surrendered to the present, permitting us to do the one factor that was too harmful to do on dry land: Let go.
I don’t want bloodshed to be free.”
Hours later, over mojitos and Cuban meals, we mirrored on how needed it was to exist in moments not reliant on our sacrifice. We didn’t should marketing campaign to have a great time; we might go and have one. Like me, Shevone had been programmed to consider that pleasure, relaxation, and journey needed to be “earned.”
Societal and cultural requirements count on us to look as Mammies, mules, and fixers. These tropes have such a major influence on the lives we stay that we inhabit their traits with out even realizing it. By having fun with nature, air, and life, we’re resisting in essentially the most radical method doable.
Because the mojitos kicked in and our coils bounced again, Shevone opened up concerning the stress she’d been carrying from intense group organizing. The endless conflicts from a male-led group consistently challenged her boundaries, expertise, and wishes.
I advised her there was multiple technique to pursue liberation and that it ought to by no means contain us exhibiting up as a sacrifice. I additionally reminded her about what number of Black marginalized genders have died giving to actions which have but to guard and even respect them. Marsha Johnson. Erica Garner. Venida Browder. Sandra Bland. Korryn Gaines. Oluwatoyin Salau. To their final breath, every certainly one of them sacrificed all they’d for a motion that price them their life.
I didn’t need that for Shevone or anybody. I don’t want bloodshed to be free.
“The factor is that I don’t have numerous time left,” Shevone responded. “It’s necessary that I do as a lot work towards my mission as doable to proceed to create change, even after I’m not right here.”
“What’s your mission?” I requested.
“I wish to open up an area referred to as Imperfect Village that gives sources and aids in constructing group by gathering its fractured components.” She began perking up, and her eyes widened as she spoke. She had so many concepts for Imperfect Village, so many sources she was prepared to prepare and supply for her group.
For the rest of Shevone’s keep, we had a very good time. I confirmed her round Miami, particularly Little Havana. We did some mild buying and sightseeing, however most of our time was spent on the one place the place she wished to be: the seaside.
Half 2: I Made a Approach
by Shevone Torres
I’m not one who received into activism as a result of it was cool. I battle for my rights. Actually, it’s one thing I’ve needed to do my complete life as a Black girl, so there’s nothing new or unusual about doing it now recurrently.
Activism is important to me as a result of there are such a lot of racist, ableist, queer-hating methods of oppression that should be dismantled, and we don’t all have the capability to face up towards them. I’m one of many individuals with the capability, so I hardly ever keep seated.
Earlier than I received to Casa de Tami, I knew the issues I had with management on the group I used to be a member of had been extreme, however I didn’t wish to admit how unhealthy it was. Lots of infighting, patriarchal bullshit, and poisonous dynamics made it onerous to concentrate on the work and heart liberation. How can we get liberated if we’re consistently coming at one another?
I’d been so consumed with demise that dwelling was simply occurring earlier than demise for many of my life.”
I understand how critical Tami is about self-care and mindfulness, so I used to be prepared for meditation and hydration. I wanted it, so it was welcome. However I wasn’t anticipating to have my consolation stage pushed the best way it was on the seaside. I stated I used to be within the ocean however didn’t notice how uninterested I believed I used to be till the airplane began flying over Florida and I noticed all that blue water. No thanks was my first thought. It seemed fairly, however that’s as a result of you’ll be able to’t see the sharks and undercurrent.
that physique of water jogged my memory of after I was a child and went swimming with family and friends. At one level, I nearly drowned. Fortunately, there was somebody round who might swim, and so they saved me. I should have buried that reminiscence deep behind my thoughts as a result of I didn’t bear in mind it till I used to be on that airplane.
By the point we reached the seaside, I used to be in full PTSD mode from that near-drowning. I really like Tam to demise, however I used to be critical after I stated I wasn’t taking one other step. It wasn’t till these youngsters began splashing round and Tam stated, “Come on, let’s stay!” that I noticed one thing.
I get emotional admitting this, however I’d been so consumed with demise that dwelling was simply occurring earlier than demise for many of my life. While you’ve received a extreme and life-threatening sickness, you aren’t eager about the place you’re going to be whenever you’re 80; you get to work on what you need from life proper now.
Once I lastly let go and went into the deep a part of the ocean, I let go of all these fears and ideas of demise. I used to be alive, and I used to be properly. The excessive I received from being in that water was not like something I had ever hit off a blunt. My physique felt wholesome too!
I’ve all the time had somebody push me into main one thing, taking up one thing. I by no means actually had anybody push me to do one thing enjoyable for me. It was such a thrill.
I should be part of communities critical about caring for one another.”
Once I returned to Jersey, I might solely take into consideration the seaside. I began Googling all these completely different cities and nations with wonderful seashores—the Caribbean, Mexico, Central America. I wished extra of that have. The considered going someplace unique and tropical excited me for some time, however life received in the best way. I went again to protesting and organizing and the identical outdated routine.
However then, about three months after I returned dwelling, one thing modified. There was a battle within the group I used to be part of. It wasn’t even a giant deal, nevertheless it was one thing that proved to me that their goal and mine had grow to be completely completely different. So when any individual requested me to do one thing, I stated, “Nah, I’m out.”
Similar to that! I didn’t even be apologetic about it. I felt like, seeing as I don’t understand how a lot time I’ve left, I can’t be enjoying round in areas that take up time however don’t provide any actual change. I should be part of communities critical about caring for one another. I notice now that my time and my spirit are greatest served in areas the place I’m providing direct care and assist to my individuals.
I’ll all the time be Shevone, an activist. However I will even be Shevone, the human. I perceive now that my activism can change and increase over time and shouldn’t come on the expense of my happiness or livelihood.
That’s what impressed me to get Imperfect Village Org lastly began. I lastly did it—I’m the proud founder and president of a nonprofit that gives for the group every part from vacation meals to ebook luggage and faculty provides.
I additionally work as a drug outreach volunteer serving to individuals who battle with substance abuse. It’s not straightforward, and even after I may also help somebody off the brink of demise, I nonetheless fear about them and hope they’ll be OK. However, at the least in that second, I’m there for them, and it’s assist that I do know they want, whether or not they wish to take it or not.
Since I’ve taken a giant step again from frontline activism, my well being has stabilized. I haven’t been within the hospital in nearly a 12 months, and for essentially the most half, I really feel wholesome. After all, my diseases aren’t curable, however at the least, at this level, they’re managed, which is essentially the most I can ask.
Life nonetheless isn’t straightforward, however at the least I’m not afraid to stay anymore.
This excerpt from Hood Wellness: Tales of Communal Care From Folks Who Drowned on Dry Land (Simon & Schuster, 2024) seems by permission of the writer.
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Tamela Gordon
(she/her) is a contract author, editor, discerning ebook critic, and passionate communal care advocate. After a number of years of counting on on-line fundraisers for medical and housing wants, Tamela relocated from New York to Miami, the place she ultimately turned her “cozy” Little Havana condo right into a makeshift retreat, fundraising to cowl bills for company to remain and discover self-care, therapeutic, and pleasure. Via her writing, she strives to uplift and empower others, foster a way of belonging, and nurture private progress. |
